I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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