just tell him i said nine months
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
