Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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