Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
All I want is dick and wine.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
