he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
