I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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