To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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