So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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