i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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