I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
