Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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