Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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