Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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