My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
