Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
