We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
