She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
