I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i love accidental penises.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
