jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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