I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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