I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
