how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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