Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
