Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
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I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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