im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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