I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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