I just pynch a tree in the face
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
