my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
