in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
