My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
