I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
