i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
