Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
