I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
