he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
