Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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