Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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