I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
