I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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