boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
