dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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