Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
