so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
