I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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