The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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