Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
