I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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