What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I wish they made helmets for livers.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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