i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
