Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
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