There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
