My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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