I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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