Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
