Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
